Bashfulness

I’m bashful. I always have been.

When I was younger, I taught myself how to tumble, contort my body in unnatural ways, dance, play instruments, the whole nine. And my mama, she was my biggest cheerleader. She’d have friends over and call me down to “show them that little thing you do”. After a series of polite protests and awkward smiles, I’d eventually give her—give them—a show.

As I got older and my athleticism became technically trained, my body turned into a machine. There was rarely ever a time I stepped onto a field of play (be it the dance floor, the band room, or the track) and didn’t dominate. But this isn’t a story about competition, this is a story about bashfulness.

Months ago, I came across this clip of Tyler, the Creator:

In this clip, Tyler talks about the importance of promoting your music. I’m not a musician (anymore?), but the similarities of being a writer and a musician do parallel in some areas.

“You went through something, you wrote words down, you figured it out in the structural format, found music to go along with it, you recorded it […]. You edit it, you mix it […], pay some kid to do an album cover—it’s a whole thing. And you mean to tell me, that you’re gonna be passive with your own shit and just put it on your story once? Are you fucking crazy, bro?”

Talking about my work (see also: accomplishments) has been something I’ve struggled with forever. And these emotions have resurfaced since I’ve started sharing my writing again here on Substack.

I’m not too cool and I’m not afraid of looking thirsty, as Tyler put it. What I am afraid of is coming off as self-righteous. For some reason, incessant promotion feels self-serving; like I’m taking up all of the Internet’s mindshare. And I’m egalitarian through and through.

I do think my work is important and I think it’s good. I’m incredibly proud of how my gifts make room for me. I’m just not the type to plaster my posts down your feed or in your comment section every time it feels relevant.

Does not promoting my work “cheapen” my creative process? Does it stunt my growth? Does it cast me away into the shadows never to be seen or heard from again? Who can say for sure?

Please don’t mistake my bashfulness for being humble. By definition, I’m not humble.

I’m an excellent ass bitch and I always have been. I’ve done incredible things. But I’m not loud about it; never have been, never will be. Confidence is quiet and I’m of the mind that my work will find who it’s meant to find when it’s meant to find them.

I’m okay with being a hidden gem. I think I prefer it that way.

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